From me to You

MOUTH TO MOUTH DICTATION A lady heard through the grapevine that her husband at work was getting too close to his secretary. One evening she decided to make a follow up when the husband didn’t come home in time. As she approached [+]

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From me to You


A lady heard through the grapevine that her husband at work was getting too close to his secretary. One evening she decided to make a follow up when the husband didn’t come home in time.

As she approached the husband’s office, which was on the second floor, she noticed that the lights were on. She cautiously mounted the staircase and stopped in front of the door pondering her next move. The place was completely quiet and she was certain the husband had forgotten to switch off the lights. As she turned to walk back she heard some noise coming from the office so she became curious and turned the knob of the door.

She found her husband busy kissing a young attractive woman. “John, what on earth do you think you are doing!” she shouted as she advanced towards the couple.

“I know this will sound ridiculous, but believe me I was just concluding dictation with my secretary,” said John as he moved to stop his wife from attacking the young secretary. “What do you take me for? A fool?” fumed the woman. “Yes, this is the latest method of dictation. It is very effective; they call it mouth to mouth dictation.



A five year old boy lost his father and was very sad. He grieved like an adult and everyone felt sorry for him. During the burial procession, body viewing was conducted and people were now ready to lower the coffin into the grave.

The boy sprung up and shouted “No, you can’t bury this man.” His uncle rose to restrain him, “Tom, I know you loved your father very much, it’s sad you have to part this way.” “You don’t get it, do you?” “Please don’t do this,” his uncle continued to plead as he held him.

“You can’t bury this man, he is a big lair,” shouted Tom at the top of his voice as he tried to free himself. “Calm down,” his uncle pleaded with him. “No, this man owes me K5,000 (US$1) which I gave him to keep for me. Now that he is dead who is going to give it back to me? I intend to start a business.”



The Displinary Committee of Bufi High School in the Luapula Valley of Zambia had scheduled the case of verbal sexual abuse as the last agenda item. The complainant was finally ushered into the Deputy Headmaster’s office.

The Deputy Heardmaster who was the chairperson asked the young female pupil, “Yes younglady, can you tell us what happened?” The girl who reported a forty year old cook remained mute for some good seconds.

Deputy Head ,“Did I make myself clear?” The girl nodded her heard to signal that she had understood. “But why are you not talking?” The Deputy Head continued.

“Sir what he said was embarasing, I can’t say it in front of my teachers,” replied the girl. “Okay, that's fine. Why don’t you then pen it down,” suggested the Deputy Head as he handed the girl a pen and a piece of paper.

Summers in the valley are always hot especially in the afternoons. The members of staff had underestimated the cases so they found themselves working over lunch time and most of them were tied.

After writing down the comments that she alledged were altared by the cook, the girl handed the piece of paper to the Deputy Head who in turn passed it on to the teacher sitting next to him. After reading it the teacher shock his head and passed it on to the next teacher.

The process went on until the note was passed to the most beautiful teacher sitting next to the oldest teacher, who seemed to have been dozing. He quickly came back to life when the note was passed on to him. After reading it he folded the paper and put it in his pocket, he then turned to face the beautiful teacher and said “I love you too.”



Jim was only one year older than his younger brother Bob. The two brothers always competed over anything and everything such that the father was forced to send them to two different boarding schools.

Later in life, Bob joined the Zambia Army and moved to Kabwe, while Jim joined Zambia State Insurance and was posted to Ndola. One day, Bob decided to visit Jim in Ndola and was shocked to find that a girl he had known from a neighbouring girls’ boarding school was at his brother’s home.  Within a few minutes a fierce fight ensued between the two brothers, it had to take ten strong men from the neighbourhood to separate them.

After the fight, the brothers vowed never to see each other. “Even if you hear that I am dead, don’t bother to attend my funeral!” shouted Bob as he was being led away from his brother’s house. “I don’t care, that will be good riddance!” shouted Jim

On his death bed, the father of the two brothers demanded for his sons, “I can’t die without reconciling my boys.” The relatives made an effort to bring the two brothers together. “My sons, you are of the same blood, I don’t want to go leaving you divided. Please shake hands and promise you will live like brothers.” The two brothers looked at each other and then finally shook hands to the relief of their father and the people around.

Two years after their father’s death, Bob invited his brother and his wife to his home in Kabwe. He organised a lot of food and drinks. Bob being a military man set a few rules and one of them was that whoever had enough was not to disturb his friends but just go to bed. Bob invited his girl friend and five other couples. Surprisingly Jim was among the first few casualties; he staggered into the visitor’s bedroom and crashed on the bed. The drinking continued however Jim’s wife was very strong she continued drinking. Bob’s girl friend surrendered and went to bed. Jim’s wife only threw in the towel just before the last couple left. The last person to leave the sitting room was Bob, he locked the house and went to bed.

Bob woke up around 08 45 hours and pushed his bed mate, “Honey, you shouldn’t be sleeping like that we have to make breakfast.” “Sorry, I am still tied,” answered the bed mate.

Jim also woke up almost at the same time, “Darling, I was so smashed that I slept without taking off my clothes.” “Oh no, what on earth is going on,” shouted the bed mate as she pulled the bed sheet to cover her bust. “I am sorry; this is a recipe for a fight with my young brother. How did we end up in the same bed?” shouted Jim. “I am sorry I lost my way,” said Bob’s girlfriend.

After breakfast, the two brothers went outside. Bob was the first to break the silence,”I mean did you...” “No, man I was so drunk.” “So if you were not that drunk, could you have then?” “No man, what about you and my wife?” “No I was also very drunk,” replied Jim.

“I think this was meant to reunite us,” said Bob. “It’s a shame it had to happen this way,” remarked Jim as the two brothers walked hand in hand back to the sitting room.



Bill the miner though born in a Christian family always lamentably failed to keep the Ten Commandments except for the one which says love thy neighbour. He lived in Wusakile Township in Kitwe where the arrangement of sharing ablution blocks exposed families and left them with no privacy.

When he was in the afternoon shift he would wake up early in the morning as the wife was busy with household chores and fist his eyes on women wrapped in bath towels. To at least observe one of the commandments in his own wisdom he decided to befriend one of his neighbour’s wives. The relationship grew from that of simple gifts to some serious social antics. The relationship grew from strength to strength in the name of observing one of the commandments.

The houses in Wusakile are so close that you will know who is coughing or whose husband came late from a drink. The situation is also worsened by the hedge that is grown around the yards. Bill found it very easy to sneak into his neighbour’s house without being noticed. The plan started by studying the shift plan for his neighbour and note when he was doing morning shifts. The morning shifts started very early and the neighbour would be out by 5 am and he would then join his neighbour’s wife in bed. Bill’s wife also left home very early to go to sell at the market.

The plan worked very well for a couple of months and Bill was very kind to his neighbour, always buying him beer each time they met in the pub. And they became such good neighbours that people could not suspect anything between Bill and the lady in question.

One morning as usual Bill woke up to go and continue his sleep in his neighbour’s house. The lady texted him, “the way is clear now.” He always waited for this signal from her, then he would prepare himself.


 He pushed the door and it opened. He quietly sneaked in tiptoeing and straight away went to the bedroom. He hurriedly took off his clothes and jumped in bed. “Honey, I love you,” said Bill as he held the arm of the neighbour. The arm of the neighbour reacted differently this time. “So it’s true you have been messing around with my wife.”

Bill couldn’t believe what had happened, she had sent him a text message and here he was in hot soup. Any way what happened was that his neighbour caught wind of what was happening and decided to come back from work and buddle the wife out of the house and grabbed her cell phone. Bill walked into the trap and paid dearly for being a “loving” neighbour.



Kapambwe the fisherman always spent his spare time with his dog which his cousin gave him. He had spent a lot of time training it. Teaching an old dog a new trick is tedious, he would complain after the training.

He bought a tennis ball and would through it and shout at the dog, “Go get it.” After some time the dog learnt to literally grab anything in its mouth and bring it back to Kapambwe. Each time Kapambwe wanted something he would just shout and point at it, “Go get it.” The dog would then go and get whatever he wanted. He would then reward the dog with some nice food.

With the depleted fish stocks in the Lake Mweru of Luapula Province, fishermen had to resort to all sorts of fishing methods just to get some fish to sell and eat. Kapambwe had to join the desperate fishermen.

One afternoon, Kapambwe was very excited because he had just discovered a very “effective” method of fishing. He took his dog and got into his dugout canoe to go and catch some fish. He had just acquired some hand grenades; he took one and threw it on the lake. Instinctively his dog jumped out of the canoe and rushed to grab the unexploded grenade and started swimming back to the canoe.

Kapambwe was totally confused and instead of instructing the dog to leave the grenade, he shouted “Go get it”


Get a copy of my book Stolen Heart and follow the activities of one character Numeral Phiri to understand the saying “TEACHING AN OLD DOG NEW TRICKS” Copies available in all Bookworld outlets in Zambia and will soon be available on line.



Migration has been a common thing among the Indians that’s why when Pradeep popularly known as Prad decided to relocate to Zambia, his parents just blessed him. He followed his uncle who had earlier on migrated to Uganda and later on moved to Zambia after the then dictator, Idi Amin Dada expelled Asians from Uganda.

Prad arrived in Lusaka, the capital city of Zambia via Nairobi. He was very happy to reunite with his uncle who had a chain of shops in the Kamwala shopping area. He soon got a job as a manager in one of his uncle’s shops and settled in Kamwala in a flat which was right on top of one of the shops.

A few months later, his wife and three children joined him and at last he felt complete. At work, he was open and fair to everyone despite the colour of the person, “It’s the same blood which runs in all of us. We are brothers and sisters.”  This earned him a lot of respect and admiration among the indigenous workforce.

One day Prad’s wife delivered a bouncy baby boy. Prad was very happy and proud because the other children were all girls. He spent a lot of time playing with the baby but after a couple of weeks, he noticed something strange about the baby. The baby was becoming dark, this puzzled him a bit but he suspected that the child was becoming dark because it was born in Zambia. A couple of months later, the child grew even darker and it was clear to everyone that the child was a coloured.

When Prad looked at his cousins who were born in Zambia they were proper Indians, so he knew there was something strange about his son. He then decided to approach his uncle.

“Uncle, I am very confused now, when I was in India, India in India out but now I come to Zambia, India in Zambia out, but why?”


“This is the last time I am waking up in the night to attend to your wounds. Why do you get into fights when you know you can’t defend yourself?” shouted Martha as she wrenched the blood-stained face towel she had been using to massage her husband’s face. “They were seven, I managed to punch four of them to the ground, but the others overpowered me and beat me repeatedly,” responded John.

John had a very dangerous habit of provoking people each time he took some beer and normally this led to fights. Sometimes he would just stand up and insult everyone in the pub. Those who knew him would just brush that aside while some of the new patrons would pursue him and give him a good beating.

“I was just attacked a few meters away from here; some people just descended upon me and started beating me. You know, I used the bush path from the bottle store and I don’t know those people, they even stole my wallet,” said John apologetically. “I am not interested in where it happened, had you been home in time after work that wouldn’t have happened to you. John; you ought to grow up and change. One day you will die and I don’t want your relatives to blame me for your carelessness.”

Four days later, John staggered into the house drunk, “Today, I have taught him a lesson, I have beaten the chap to death.”  Martha just looked at her husband and continued with the knitting. “I am Tyson the heavyweight boxer. This time, I didn’t give the chap a chance. I charged as he moved forward and unleashed a combination of punches. I think I deserve a hug,” said John as he moved towards his wife, arms wide open. As he approached her, she stood up and moved backwards, “Your food is ready on the table.” John was very disappointed, “I get clobbered, you tell me off, I outclass a chap who jumps on me, no praises,” he mumbled as he moved to the dining room.

Just then, a loud knock sounded on the front door. Martha stood up and walked to the door and shouted, “Who is there?” “Sam, open the door please!” Sam had earlier phoned his sister Martha that he had just arrived from Chipata and was walking home.

When Sam entered the house he was a very sorry sight, “A man just approached me and started beating me. He pushed me to the ground and started kicking me; I could have just died in your neighbourhood.”  













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